The most famous people skills book, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, taught how to have a good relationship with others by showing interest in their topics and being agreeable. It taught you to “attract flies with honey”.
In contrast, Robert Bolton’s People Skills is more in-depth and understands problems and conflicts are key parts of relationships. Bolton breaks it down into five skill areas and I’ll give an overview of each.
Listening
Assertion
Conflict-resolution
Collaboration problem-solving
Skill selection
Listening
The first step of listening is avoiding the major roadblocks in conversations of judging, sending solutions, and avoiding the other’s concerns. They’re roadblocks because they can make effective communication with others more difficult.
Bolton divides the 12 roadblocks into three major areas. Judging includes criticizing, name-calling, diagnosing, or giving evaluative praise. Sending solutions includes ordering, threatening, moralizing, excessive/inappropriate questioning, and advising. Avoiding the other’s concerns includes diverting, logical argument, reassuring.
I made the table below and created examples of the different roadblocks.
So, if you avoid all these roadblocks what can you do? Bolton goes on to describe the three clusters of listening skills to develop — Attending, Following, and Reflecting.
Bolton briefly goes over the first two clusters and then dedicates a couple chapters towards reflecting. Below is my summary table describing the Attending and Following skills as described by Bolton.
Now that you know how to position yourself and listen to the speaker, how do you know what to respond to the speaker while not creating a roadblock? This is where reflecting skills come in.
“The art of good listening involves the ability to respond reflectively. In a reflective response, the listener restates the feeling and/or content of what the speaker has communicated and does so in a way that demonstrates understanding and acceptance.”
Bolton gives four distinct types of reflective answers.
Paraphrasing
“A paraphrase is a concise response to the speaker which states the essence of the other’s content in the listener’s own words.”
Maureen: I don’t know whether to have a baby or not. George isn’t sure either. I love my work … it’s stimulating and challenging and I’m well paid. But sometimes I yearn to have a child and be a full-time mother.Kim: You enjoy your work so much, but sometimes you feel a strong pull toward motherhood.
Maureen: (Nods affirmatively.)
Reflecting feelings
“The reflection of feelings involves mirroring back to the speaker, in succinct statements, the emotions which she is communicating.”
Fred: I was so sure I’d be married by now. One relationship after another fails.
Rick: It’s really discouraging.
Fred: Sure is. Will I ever find the right person?
Reflecting meanings
“When feelings and facts are joined in one succinct response, we have a reflection of meaning.”
Marge: My supervisor keeps asking questions about my personal life. I wish she’d mind her own business.
Rob: You feel annoyed that she won’t respect your privacy.
[Another example]
Earl: What a change! I feared I wouldn’t get a promotion, but it came through. Our new home is just super. And Marie and the kids seem more content than they have ever been.
John: You feel happy because things are going well in all parts of your life.
[Another example]
Wilma: My husband drives me crazy. First he says we’re doing fine and don’t have any financial worries. The next day he blows up when I buy something for the house.
Harriet: You feel anxious because he is so inconsistent.
The formula “You feel … because …” is not very intrusive in a conversation. It helps people remember to reflect both the feelings and the content and it is an aid in keeping the responses brief.
Summative reflections
“A summative reflection is a brief restatement of the main themes and feelings the speaker expressed over a longer period of conversation than would be covered by any of the other reflective skills”
The use of the following sentence stems can help you get started using the skill of summarization:
“One theme you keep coming back to seems to be …”
“Let’s recap the ground we have covered so far …”
“I’ve been thinking about what you’ve said. I see something that may be a pattern and I’d like to check it out. You …”
“As I’ve been listening to you, your main concern seems to be …” (Then give examples.)
Bolton then dedicates an additional chapter explaining why reflective statements like the examples shared above are effective. In a very brief nutshell — they work because it makes the other person feel understood and it makes them more receptive to you.
On thing to keep in mind is that people may contradict or correct your reflective response. This is entirely fine and a part of the conversation. Don’t take it to mean reflective statements don’t work.
“Reflective listening enhances communication because it helps the listener verify his understanding of what the speaker said. At various points in the conversation, the reflective listener repeats in his own words his impression of what was said. If there is some misunderstanding, the speaker can correct it immediately.”
Assertion
Bolton explains there’s a continuum between submissive and aggressive. Submissives and aggressiveness both have their own downsides.
Submissive people want to get along and stay out of trouble, but they build resentments that can bubble out into occasional outbursts. Bolton says most people fall on this side.
Aggressive people can get their way often, but they harm relationships and get less cooperation.
The ideal sweet spot is being assertive where you clearly draw the lines on what you need and feel.
How do you become more assertive then? Bolton describes what he calls the three-part assertion message.
a nonjudgmental description of the behavior to be changed;
a disclosure of the asserter’s feelings; and
a clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person’s behavior on the asserter.
The key thing is you must be specific about the behavior. Vague descriptions, inferences, and character assassinations are ineffective.
Good example (Specific)
When you don’t shovel the snow from the driveway before going to school…
Bad example (Vague)
When you don’t do your part around the house …
Good example (Specific)
When you talked more than any of the others at the meeting today and cut off several people…
Bad example (Vague)
When you behaved so rudely at the meeting…
Bolton advises you should be ready for a push and pull conversation. People naturally get defensive when you assert yourself and you don’t want it to spiral into an arms race. Instead, Bolton suggests the following process.
(1) preparation, (2) sending the message, (3) silence, (4) reflective listening to the other’s defensive response, (5) recycling steps 2 through 4 as often as necessary, and (6) focusing on a solution yet make sure to paraphrase and don’t expect the other to be happy about it initially.
Below is a dialogue example from the book.
Joan, a first-line supervisor, confronted Mike about his performance on the assembly line which affected the output of several people. He reacted with hostility and she listened reflectively to his defensive responses.
Joan: When you produce thirty percent less this month than in previous months, I feel annoyed because it lowers the productivity of our unit and I get less pay.
Mike: The others sure were right. You are just a castrating female who is hostile to all males.
Joan: You think that what I said about your productivity is a smokescreen for my anger toward you because you are a man.
Mike: You said it! You women libbers are nothing more than a bunch of aggressive bitches.
Joan: (Who does not consider herself a women’s libber): Women today are really pushy and you are sick of it.
Mike: Yeah. Why don’t you stay home and take care of your kids like a mother should.
Joan: You feel I should be taking care of my kids and not be working.
Mike: I sure do. What’s going to become of these kids who have no mother to come home to after school?
Joan: Mike, when you produce thirty percent less this month than in previous months, I feel annoyed because that lowers the productivity of our unit, and I receive less pay.
After Joan restated her assertion, Mike became defensive again. She reflected his resistant statements and then sent the same assertion message once more. After several more cycles through this process, Mike came up with a solution that met Joan’s needs. She thanked him and suggested that they meet in a week to see if Mike’s solution worked as well as they both thought it would. When Joan met with him a week later, Mike’s production was the highest it had been all year.
A key part of assertiveness is sticking to your ground, which Bolton calls “Say No!”, and a willingness to repeat yourself like in this example:
Beautician: Should we frost your hair this time?
Meg: No, I’d rather keep my normal coloring. I really don’t want it frosted. Just shape it a bit.
Beautician: If I frost your hair, your face will have a much softer look.
Meg: I really don’t want it frosted.
Beautician: I bet everyone will like it much better than your plain dark brown hair.
Meg: I really don’t want it frosted.
Beautician: I was just at a hair show in New York and light frosting is the in thing right now.
Meg: I really don’t want it frosted.
Beautician: How about just a halo of frosting around your face?
Meg: I really don’t want it frosted.
Beautician: Are you sure you just want me to cut it and not frost it?
Meg: I really don’t want it frosted.
Beautician: Okay. I’ll just cut it and forget the frosting this time
You can use descriptive recognition to praise people in an effective way by picking out specific things and not have it be a roadblock.
“Descriptive recognition is a way of letting another person know that you value his specific behavior. A descriptive recognition does not contain superlatives.”
This story of two musicians captures the spirit of it.
An incident in the life of Pablo Casals, the famous cellist, demonstrates the difference between evaluative praise and descriptive recognition. When a young cellist named Gregor Piatigorsky first met Casals, Piatigorsky was asked to play. He was nervous and gave what he believed a terrible performance—so bad that he stopped in the middle of the sonata. “Bravo! Wonderful!” Casals applauded. Piatigorsky said, “Bewildered, I left. I knew how badly I had played. Why did he, the master, have to praise and embarrass me?”
Years later, when the two great cellists were together again, Piatigorsky told Casals how he felt about the praise a few years before. Casals rushed to the cello angrily. “Listen!” he said as he played a phrase from the Beethoven sonata. “Didn’t you play this fingering? It was novel to me…. And didn’t you attack that passage with up-bow, like this?” The master went through all the music, emphasizing all he liked that Piatigorsky had done. The younger cellist said of that evening, “I left with the feeling of having been with a great artist and a friend.”
On both evenings, Casals had the same goal—to acknowledge the great skill of the younger musician. But the methods and the results were different. On the first occasion, he used evaluative praise. He said it was “wonderful” and “magnificent.” Piatigorsky was bewildered and embarrassed and, it would seem, he was angry, too. At their next gathering, Casals provided a descriptive recognition of the behaviors. Piatigorsky was deeply moved by these explicit statements about his artistry.
Another area is Logical consequences where you let things play out as you expect. As Bolton explains:
Ask yourself, “What would happen if I didn’t interfere?” Look for natural consequences and allow them to occur. Otherwise, you are protecting the other from developing and exercising his sense of responsibility.
When relevant, use the formula “When you [description of behavior], then [statement of consequences]. You will have another chance [statement of when this can occur].” In the case of the ten-speed bike, Kathy’s parents could have told her, “When you leave your bike outside all night, it may be stolen. If stolen, you can get another bicycle when you have saved enough money.”
One of the keys to using this method is to detach yourself emotionally from the issue. If the parents aren’t affected emotionally, the child begins to learn that it really is “his own ball game.” Whether this is verbalized to the other person or not, it is important for the person to remain emotionally uninvolved with that issue.
Bolton says using logical consequences is a long-term game
“Because it usually takes longer than a couple of days for a person to alter a behavior which he has used for a long time, the person following this approach may be discouraged if there are no quick, drastic changes. The appropriate goal of consequences messages is not an instant miracle, but significant self-directed behavioral change.”
Bolton goes over many other different assertion strategies but one more I will include is Stop the action; accept the feelings.
“Sometimes a person feels very angry and expresses that anger through hostile behavior. This frequently happens with children, but anyone who watches pro hockey is aware that it is not limited to children. When faced with an outburst of hostile behavior, the recommended assertion procedure is to act quickly to:
stop the action,
don’t become emotionally embroiled yourself,
accept the feeling, and
(perhaps) suggest alternative behaviors”
This is an example of Stop the Action involving two young brothers
“Five-year-old Brad hit his little brother. His mother said, “Stop hitting your brother right now. You are real mad at him and want to smash him. Feeling mad is OK, but hitting him is not. Here, you can pound this pillow and get some of your anger out.”
Brad stopped hitting his brother. He pounded the pillow and screamed out his rage at his brother, who had broken one of his toys. His mother stayed in the room and heard his rage without expressing either approval or disapproval. In fact, she didn’t say a word. Having vented his anger, Brad was ready to play again.
Brad’s mother told me, “A few months ago, I wouldn’t have allowed Brad to ‘own’ his feelings. I would have stopped the hitting, all right, but I also would have moralized and ordered: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Tell Albert that you are sorry.’ I now realize that making Brad keep his anger in simply meant that it was stored inside him so the next time his brother bothered him, there was a greater accumulation of anger to pour out.”
Conflict-resolution
In this section, Bolton explains conflict is inevitable yet often beneficial.
“Stanley Coopersmith’s research suggests that some kinds of dissension in the home is healthy for children. He found that families that tend to express open dissent and disagreement tend to raise children who have that priceless quality—high self-esteem.”
“Another value of conflict is that it can prevent stagnation, stimulate interest and curiosity, and foster creativity…Many of our institutions, including the Christian church and the United States of America, were forged in the heat of conflict.”
Bolton explains conflicts can be realistic or non-realistic. Realistic conflict comes from a difference in values and goals. Non-realistic conflicts are because of dysfunction or lack of understanding.
The method Bolton describes follows the same lines and themes of the book:
Treat the other person with respect.
Listen until you “experience the other side” and reflect content, feelings, and meanings.
Briefly state your own views, needs, and feelings.
You use reflective statements and assertion to clarify and reduce the conflict. You may not come to an agreement but can come to a greater understanding and respect for each other.
Colloration problem-solving
Bolton says there are three types of conflicts
Emotions
Values
Needs
When the conflict is centered around differing needs, Bolton explains how to create a solution together using a six step process.
Define the problem in terms of needs, not solutions.
Brainstorm possible solutions.
Select the solution(s) that will best meet both parties’ needs and check possible consequences.
Plan who will do what, where, and by when.
Implement the plan.
Evaluate the problem-solving process and, at a later date, how well the solution turned out
Step 1 it’s crucial to focus only on needs. Bolton shares an example of a household of religious sisters that argue about the use of a car when they had conflicting schedules.
To get at the need which lay behind their proposed solutions I asked, “What do you need the car for?”
Sister Veronica said, “I need to get to and from the meeting tonight.”
Sister Katherine said, “And I need transportation to the social action committee meeting tonight.”
Both women’s need was transportation. Use of the group’s car was one possible solution to their transportation needs. Once they defined the problem in terms of needs rather than solutions, a whole range of other solutions could be generated.
Step 2 with brainstorming potential solutions is the most fun part. Bolton stresses that there should be NO evaluation or clarification at this stage. Go for the zaniest ideas you can think you and make a list as long as you can. Write these out on a list that you both can review.
Brainstorm.....Nobody says, “No.”
Brainstorm.....Nobody says, “That will never work.”
Brainstorm.....Nobody says, “That is a dumb idea.”
Brainstorm.....Nobody says, “That will cost too much.”
Brainstorm.....Nobody says, “That has already been tried.”
Brainstorm.....Nobody says, “That’s a terrific idea.”
“I am told that the managers of a major airport were brainstorming ways of removing snow from the runways. One of the participants suggested putting a giant frog on the control tower which could push the snow aside with its enormous tongue. In time that idea was reshaped to the solution they ultimately selected—a revolving cannon that shoots a jet airstream.”
In Step 3 you can now clarify and discuss which options could work for both.
Ask the other what proposed alternatives she would favor in the solution of the problem. Do not eliminate solutions one by one. This consumes needless time and can decrease people’s problem-solving attentiveness and effectiveness.
State which alternatives look best to you. Make sure your needs get met.
See which choices coincide.
Jointly decide on one or more of the alternatives. Usually, if the needs were well defined at the start, several of the same alternatives will be selected by both people.
Step 4 you plan out what each of you will do to make the solution happen. A written reminder works best.
Many people are forgetful. Others have memories which are inexact. It is usually desirable to write out the agreement that was reached, including the details of who will do what by when. The written agreement is not meant to be anything more than a reminder. Some people like to keep a statement of the problem, the ideas brainstormed, the solution, and the implementation decisions on one page.
Step 5 is implementing the agreed upon plan and step 6 is evaluating the problem-solving process and seeing how the solution turned out. Spend time reflecting with the other person on what went well and what could improve.
Skill Selection
In the afterword, Bolton makes the following recommendations
Choose the appropriate situations. As a beginner developing these skills don’t deep dive into the most dramatic or demanding situations to try these out.
Don’t let occasional failures stop you. Persistence is needed to see the pay off.
Prepare others for the change by telling them what you learned and how you may implement it. Bolton shared an example of a participant writing a corny letter to his wife, but it certainly makes the point.
Make a “quantified commitment” to the skills:
The word decision has been watered down by imprecise usage. So when I teach communication skills to someone (as I have been teaching them to you in this book), I urge the person to commit herself to a specific number of uses of each of the skills per week for a period of three months
The Three Essential for Effective Communication
This section is the last in the book and the most philosophical and even touches on Judeo-Christian theology. Bolton explains that true effectiveness in communication comes from having genuineness, non-possessive love, and empathy.
Non-possessive love doesn’t mean liking the person but acting and speaking in ways that are beneficial for them.
“Millar Burrows in his Outline of Biblical Theology asserts that what is demanded “is not an emotion but an attitude of the will…. to love one’s neighbor is not to feel affection for him but to wish and seek his good.”
My Verdict - is this worth reading?
Bolton says he spent six years authoring this book and it felt like that long when reading it. For a book meant for the general public, it was exceptionally long and dense read. It felt dry like reading a school textbook and overly academic tone with too many citations, quotes, categories, and references.
In this review, I skipped discussing entire chapters otherwise it would’ve been excessively long. He wrote lengthy chapters where it felt too much to internalize all of it and effectively use it in fast-paced social situations.
This book could use a modern re-write and condensation of several chapters. The divisions of the different reflective skills seemed blurry at best to me and would've made sense to consolidate them. This was published in the 1970s and it is shown by cultural references.
Despite these flaws in the book, Bolton provides thought-provoking frameworks and discussions on human relationships that I haven’t seen elsewhere in popular literature. I might treat this book more like a reference to pick up occasionally and revisit these ideas.
In some ways this book reminded me of Celeste Headlee’s We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter, but I thought Bolton did a better job of explaining the listening skills needed and goes beyond that with his sections on assertion, conflicts, and collaboration. The best part of the book were the various dialogue examples and anecdotes Bolton shared which I incorporated some in this review.
My Takeaways
Practice reflecting skills in conversations:
“You feel <emotion> because <circumstances>”
Learn to use assertiveness to change behavior or to encourage it:
“I don’t like when you do <specific behavior> because <effect on me>” or “I feel <emotion> when you do <specific behavior> because <effect on me>”.
“I like when you do <specific behavior> because <effect on me>” or “I feel <emotion> when you do <specific behavior> because <effect on me>”.
Use the six-step collaborative problem-solving method. I’m tempted to try it just as a solo exercise. In some ways it reminded me of David Allen’s project planning formula as shown in the below graphic.
Lastly, I might attempt the “Communications Chart” to track skills usage like the example from “Harry Ogden” above. I replicated a version in Google Sheets. You can view it here and go to File > Make A Copy if you want to track your own.
You can swap things around, for example replacing Logical Consequences for a different skill in the book such as Say No or Stop the Action; Accept the Feeling. Bolton didn’t give specific recommendations on how often to make a commitment each week or month so it’s up to you what feels feasible.